tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75689223715662567772024-03-05T01:54:40.164-06:00Life and Art ~ Ms MackayI am a freelance artist, graphic designer, traveler, and life explorer that suffers from anxiety and a panic disorder.
This blog is about life, art, design, travel, and other interests that come up in life.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155411978300680102noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7568922371566256777.post-80873165093396948592012-04-28T11:32:00.000-05:002012-04-28T13:53:31.336-05:00My Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and PTSD.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbT64OyQujnD_wlzjO38hIDO7pgDsLI8ejf47tNHKmAr2WpnjFkjWO6_AXbHQ68R0R4WYAKCBMVTFuy2KKS2pXcoAz9trTRk1t4W3VxITJV1EBkxNIcdGgMeNkVEaIfPO3BOfN16X3ZXw/s1600/We+are+just+bodies+png.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="76" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbT64OyQujnD_wlzjO38hIDO7pgDsLI8ejf47tNHKmAr2WpnjFkjWO6_AXbHQ68R0R4WYAKCBMVTFuy2KKS2pXcoAz9trTRk1t4W3VxITJV1EBkxNIcdGgMeNkVEaIfPO3BOfN16X3ZXw/s400/We+are+just+bodies+png.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Sometimes I get lost in thoughts that
rise out of my mind like little candles in the dark. Thoughts sparked
by the day, the week, my experiences in life and my current mood.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I find that a few of these thoughts
burn brighter than others. Some draw forward, each one demanding my
attention as they try to outshine the other.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I notice one flickering thought in the darkness
that suddenly flashes forward.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>It becomes a bright searing
pain as it outshines every other flicker of thought.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Sparks of emotion fly out, the intense
heat igniting more flames. It grows.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I realize that lingering fear
has already begun. It is a fear that I know well.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Anxiety turns to panic. Panic gives way
to a pure primal fear.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>This tiny flame of thought now consumed
every part of me. The fear rages outward from my mind and into what
seems to be my body. Yet it feels external, almost mechanical.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I no longer hear my frantic cry of
reason from within. It is silenced in the roaring inferno that's
consumed my mind, and now my body.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>The pounding of my heart becomes my
torment. Forcing a hot fluid of pain throughout my head with every
beat.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>My lungs expand beyond their normal
capacity. Sharp pains splinter along my ribs. Each breath forcing my
stomach to grip into a smaller and smaller confinement.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Room must be made.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“How could I possibly survive this?”
I think to myself as I struggle to keep my balance.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Something is going to
break.”</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I hear the muffled voices of people around me. Family, friends, my loved ones.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Their faces begin to form a mix
of colors, and eventually fade into blackness.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I feel myself sinking. Unable to sense where I am.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I try to
mutter a few last words, “Someone, please help.”</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>But my words feel
distant in the darkness. They can not hear me.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I slowly awaken to a putrid smell. A supper I had eaten an hour before.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>I had collapsed on the kitchen floor. I had merely been thinking about my day, and what to have for dessert.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>Now just memories of pleasant thoughts, scorched by a burning pain
that lingers among the emotional ashes.</i></span></div>
<div style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><i>The smoke choking tears to my eyes.</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I suffer from a panic disorder
associated with P.T.S.D.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The culprit that caused this particular
panic attack was nothing more than the kitchen broom and dustpan.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A fear of daily chores? Not exactly.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But I will tell people that to distract
from the issue with a little humor.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The real reason is that someone had
left the broom out in the open, perched slightly against the counter
in such a way that caused a major trigger. One related to a rather
traumatic experience in my past. An event that, among other things,
involved a broom handle.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And with that comes the constant
struggle for control over my own thoughts, actions, and well-being.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Every day choices can become a game of
chess. Predicting steps where I sometimes catch myself thinking five
moves ahead. To the point where I must force myself to just make that
first step.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
All to avoid certain situations or
things that may cause triggers.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And in particular, calculating steps so that I may function like a 'normal' person.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Dealing with Panic Attacks:</b></h3>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There are several ranges to panic
attacks and panic disorders. There is the fear of having a panic
attack, in that sense it is fearing fear itself. Which creates general anxiety. And those generate more
social fears that can fuel panic attacks. And there are other aspects that get closer to P.T.S.D.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What I suffer from is mix of general
panic disorder, which is a general fear that forces me to calculate
and avoid situations that might cause 'triggers'. And then P.T.S.D.
Which is a flash of memories and, in some cases, directly reliving
a traumatic event all over again. Or at least parts of it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I can only speak from my experience
with the disorder, and from my particular perspective with trying to deal and manage it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
For one thing, something that has
become a requirement in my life is actively seeking out positive
things, thoughts, and people.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That can be a good practice for any
person. Yet I find it is often overlooked by most.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is
often a necessity for most people suffering from panic, anxiety, PTSD, as
it is kind of a countermeasure for when things get really bad.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
If you stack
bad on top of bad, you get worse. But if you stack good on top of bad,
you end up somewhere in the middle. Which is more manageable.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Naturally people want to find more pleasant things in life. But what I'm talking about is setting aside time, and directly controlling your life to actually do them. Something a lot of people never do.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Like taking that road trip you always talked about.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The thing is, it's needed. Because a trigger can sometimes
spark from anywhere, or from anything. A friendly conversation can
suddenly turn into a traumatic panic with one word. Or a
certain scene in a movie can flash a person right back into the
experience with a full blown hallucination of their trauma. And later it is often accompanied with a full night
of nightmares. More than the usual. So every day things like movie
night with friends can result in almost no sleep control of any kind.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That can lead to a rather depressing
outlook on life if there isn't some kind of balance in place.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So the focus on finding a more positive outlook on life will help the overall state of mind rather than fix the panic attack
itself. It is a barrier that helps prevent
other problems, like depression, that can arise when dealing with any
disorder.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That is not to say it's an easy thing to do. Especially if your already in a depression.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because it means cutting out negative
influence for almost anything. Staying away from people who refuse to
understand your situation. And finding close friends who do.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In some cases, directly building a
support system that gives you ground to stand on. And doing whatever is necessary to get there. Each step taken towards that goal is a positive thing in itself. So not only are you cutting out negative things, but your replacing it with good.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
For some, medication can help with
parts of it. But it will not cure everything.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There is still an
active role which must be played out directly. A person must feel like they
are taking control of their own life.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
With that in the background, it can help with the management of a panic disorder overall. It may not cure it, but it helps naturally by having a calmer mindset to begin with.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And for those suffering from unmanageable panic disorders, it can be both a relief, and a stability for keeping some kind of control in their lives.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Beware of Gimmicky Information:</b></h3>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I can tell you there is a lot of
information out there about panic disorder itself. And you should use
caution when researching it. <u><i>Including this blog as my experience
may not fit your case.</i></u></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There are many treatments that range
across many different aspects of panic disorders, and P.T.S.D. So always
seek your doctor's advice. Each person is different, each case is
different, and therefor treatment will depend upon your individual
needs.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That said, I have read some gimmicky
articles claiming a few 'simple' or 'quick' steps to stopping a general panic
attack. As if any of this is 'simple'. And of course some won't tell you those steps until you send in money.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And they always start with the first step called 'Relax'.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
To me that is just insulting. And an obvious <i>duh</i> moment. There will be no relaxing when adrenalin is
flowing through a persons system. And the whole time we are experiencing a panic attack, all we want to do is 'relax'.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Things like that are what really make it hard to keep a positive outlook with some things. There are people giving advice on panic disorders when they have no idea what a panic attack really is. So use caution, and always seek a doctor for advice. Preferably one who has dealt with some form of it themselves.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Anger:</b></h3>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When someone tells you, <i>in person</i>, to
'just relax', then it is a good idea to remember that they only want
to help you. They simply don't know how.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is obvious they don't understand that relaxing
doesn't just happen.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Or they probably know that but have no other words to say.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So that is ok. It is their effort that counts.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Maybe try focusing on that positive side, rather than the negative. I know it's hard, sometimes you just want to scream when you hear that. I struggle with that every day. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There are also times when something is just
too infuriating to stay positive. Like when someone expects you to
'<i>snap out of it</i>' during an attack.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is normal to be angry in that situation. But it can
often spread those flames and spark more panic. And in fact some of
the emotions from a panic can be redirected into anger, which only
cycles back and makes the situation worse. So if that happens, try to
consciously recognize your anger, and let it have it's place. And try not to feed it at the same time.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Again try to get away from such negative influence if someone is like that. Because that is not healthy. A person having a panic attack is
already in an extreme state of mind. And having someone who only adds to that
can actually become associated with the panic. Or in my case, a trigger to
P.T.S.D.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Sometimes when other people realize
that, they see they are only forcing you to pull away.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In either case, when I realized it
myself, I found how important it is to control who I rely on, who to
avoid, and who I bring into my personal life. It goes right back to taking a proactive approach to controlling your life.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It becomes much more than management for a disorder. It can turn into a
guide for life in general. After all, why wouldn't someone want to put themselves around good people and generally good experiences?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There will always be hardships in doing so, but conquering those hardships is a positive thing in itself. So there can be a snowball effect in that sense if it's recognized as such.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<h3 style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>My Induction Therapy:</b></h3>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
One of the latest treatments that I
have mustered up enough courage to try is called Induction Therapy. I don't believe this is normally recommended for
P.T.S.D. But it can be used to manage the panic
disorder related to it. And in that sense, minimize the triggers for
P.T.S.D.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The term 'Induction Therapy' is found in a wide range of medical conditions. But for panic and anxiety
treatment it is typically where the patient is carefully introduced to a known
trigger. But in a safe environment. Then both doctor and patient work together through
the fear, emotions, and thoughts that start to 'burn' out of control. Consciously recognizing them and allowing them to pass.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In my case, that does not mean putting
myself in the situation that caused the P.T.S.D.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That would just be bad. But instead,
using known triggers that cause the first stages of panic. And
learning to reduce their hold on me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So the every day objects, like a broom and dustpan, slowly become triggers that only spit a few
flames and burn out quickly. Rather than starting a raging forest fire that spreads out of control.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So to do that without getting too far into
the P.T.S.D part, we try to stop the triggers each time before it
gets a chance to take over. And for me that is done with redirection of thought.<br />
Extreme
temperature changes, can be my 'shiny thing' that pulls my
mind out of the fire. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Interestingly enough, putting my hand in ice can figuratively 'put out the fire'.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So if you see a girl
randomly dunk her hand in her soft drink, try not to judge.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I might
not be laughing with you in that moment, but I soon will be afterwards.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Seriously though the point is to find
what pulls you out of that mental inferno. Sometimes a simple thought
can do it. Just thinking about sticking my hand in ice can work
for me sometimes, but not always. It often depends on my mood and how
tired I am.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So again, there are different methods, and each is tailored to the individual. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some anxiety or panic attacks based on
none-traumatic events, like fearing elevators just because they are elevators, can
actually take a more direct approach in treatment.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
That is where the patient is
put directly in the situation that causes their fear. Which can be traumatic in itself. But it is within a
controlled environment and with someone they trust.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In that sense, they are retraining the
mind to accept the actual situation they fear as something that is part of
everyday life, and could not hurt them.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Obviously direct exposure is not right for violent or traumatic type issues.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In either case, this type of therapy is
extremely exhausting and will take a lot out of you. So without a positive outlook, it can actually be too much for some and should be talked about with a doctor before attempting.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But it has proven to work for me.
Slowly but surely.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Ok, now I need to go pull my hand out
of this ice water before my hand shrinks.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06155411978300680102noreply@blogger.com5