My Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and PTSD.

Sometimes I get lost in thoughts that rise out of my mind like little candles in the dark. Thoughts sparked by the day, the week, my experiences in life and my current mood.

I find that a few of these thoughts burn brighter than others. Some draw forward, each one demanding my attention as they try to outshine the other.

I notice one flickering thought in the darkness that suddenly flashes forward.
It becomes a bright searing pain as it outshines every other flicker of thought.

Sparks of emotion fly out, the intense heat igniting more flames. It grows.

I realize that lingering fear has already begun. It is a fear that I know well.

Anxiety turns to panic. Panic gives way to a pure primal fear.

This tiny flame of thought now consumed every part of me. The fear rages outward from my mind and into what seems to be my body. Yet it feels external, almost mechanical.

I no longer hear my frantic cry of reason from within. It is silenced in the roaring inferno that's consumed my mind, and now my body.

The pounding of my heart becomes my torment. Forcing a hot fluid of pain throughout my head with every beat.

My lungs expand beyond their normal capacity. Sharp pains splinter along my ribs. Each breath forcing my stomach to grip into a smaller and smaller confinement.

Room must be made.

“How could I possibly survive this?” I think to myself as I struggle to keep my balance.

“Something is going to break.”

I hear the muffled voices of people around me. Family, friends, my loved ones.

Their faces begin to form a mix of colors, and eventually fade into blackness.

I feel myself sinking. Unable to sense where I am.

I try to mutter a few last words, “Someone, please help.”

But my words feel distant in the darkness. They can not hear me.

I slowly awaken to a putrid smell. A supper I had eaten an hour before.

I had collapsed on the kitchen floor. I had merely been thinking about my day, and what to have for dessert.

Now just memories of pleasant thoughts, scorched by a burning pain that lingers among the emotional ashes.

The smoke choking tears to my eyes.

I suffer from a panic disorder associated with P.T.S.D.

The culprit that caused this particular panic attack was nothing more than the kitchen broom and dustpan.

A fear of daily chores? Not exactly.

But I will tell people that to distract from the issue with a little humor.

The real reason is that someone had left the broom out in the open, perched slightly against the counter in such a way that caused a major trigger. One related to a rather traumatic experience in my past. An event that, among other things, involved a broom handle.

And with that comes the constant struggle for control over my own thoughts, actions, and well-being.

Every day choices can become a game of chess. Predicting steps where I sometimes catch myself thinking five moves ahead. To the point where I must force myself to just make that first step.

All to avoid certain situations or things that may cause triggers.

And in particular, calculating steps so that I may function like a 'normal' person.

Dealing with Panic Attacks:

There are several ranges to panic attacks and panic disorders. There is the fear of having a panic attack, in that sense it is fearing fear itself. Which creates general anxiety. And those generate more social fears that can fuel panic attacks. And there are other aspects that get closer to P.T.S.D.

What I suffer from is mix of general panic disorder, which is a general fear that forces me to calculate and avoid situations that might cause 'triggers'. And then P.T.S.D. Which is a flash of memories and, in some cases, directly reliving a traumatic event all over again. Or at least parts of it.

I can only speak from my experience with the disorder, and from my particular perspective with trying to deal and manage it.

For one thing, something that has become a requirement in my life is actively seeking out positive things, thoughts, and people.

That can be a good practice for any person. Yet I find it is often overlooked by most.

It is often a necessity for most people suffering from panic, anxiety, PTSD, as it is kind of a countermeasure for when things get really bad.

If you stack bad on top of bad, you get worse. But if you stack good on top of bad, you end up somewhere in the middle. Which is more manageable.

Naturally people want to find more pleasant things in life. But what I'm talking about is setting aside time, and directly controlling your life to actually do them. Something a lot of people never do.

Like taking that road trip you always talked about.

The thing is, it's needed. Because a trigger can sometimes spark from anywhere, or from anything. A friendly conversation can suddenly turn into a traumatic panic with one word. Or a certain scene in a movie can flash a person right back into the experience with a full blown hallucination of their trauma. And later it is often accompanied with a full night of nightmares. More than the usual. So every day things like movie night with friends can result in almost no sleep control of any kind.

That can lead to a rather depressing outlook on life if there isn't some kind of balance in place.

So the focus on finding a more positive outlook on life will help the overall state of mind rather than fix the panic attack itself. It is a barrier that helps prevent other problems, like depression, that can arise when dealing with any disorder.

That is not to say it's an easy thing to do. Especially if your already in a depression.

Because it means cutting out negative influence for almost anything. Staying away from people who refuse to understand your situation. And finding close friends who do.

In some cases, directly building a support system that gives you ground to stand on. And doing whatever is necessary to get there. Each step taken towards that goal is a positive thing in itself. So not only are you cutting out negative things, but your replacing it with good.

For some, medication can help with parts of it. But it will not cure everything.

There is still an active role which must be played out directly. A person must feel like they are taking control of their own life.

With that in the background, it can help with the management of a panic disorder overall. It may not cure it, but it helps naturally by having a calmer mindset to begin with.

And for those suffering from unmanageable panic disorders, it can be both a relief, and a stability for keeping some kind of control in their lives.

Beware of Gimmicky Information:

I can tell you there is a lot of information out there about panic disorder itself. And you should use caution when researching it. Including this blog as my experience may not fit your case.

There are many treatments that range across many different aspects of panic disorders, and P.T.S.D. So always seek your doctor's advice. Each person is different, each case is different, and therefor treatment will depend upon your individual needs.

That said, I have read some gimmicky articles claiming a few 'simple' or 'quick' steps to stopping a general panic attack. As if any of this is 'simple'. And of course some won't tell you those steps until you send in money.

And they always start with the first step called 'Relax'.

To me that is just insulting. And an obvious duh moment. There will be no relaxing when adrenalin is flowing through a persons system. And the whole time we are experiencing a panic attack, all we want to do is 'relax'.

Things like that are what really make it hard to keep a positive outlook with some things. There are people giving advice on panic disorders when they have no idea what a panic attack really is. So use caution, and always seek a doctor for advice. Preferably one who has dealt with some form of it themselves.

Anger:

When someone tells you, in person, to 'just relax', then it is a good idea to remember that they only want to help you. They simply don't know how.

It is obvious they don't understand that relaxing doesn't just happen.

Or they probably know that but have no other words to say.

So that is ok. It is their effort that counts.

Maybe try focusing on that positive side, rather than the negative. I know it's hard, sometimes you just want to scream when you hear that. I struggle with that every day.

There are also times when something is just too infuriating to stay positive. Like when someone expects you to 'snap out of it' during an attack.

It is normal to be angry in that situation. But it can often spread those flames and spark more panic. And in fact some of the emotions from a panic can be redirected into anger, which only cycles back and makes the situation worse. So if that happens, try to consciously recognize your anger, and let it have it's place. And try not to feed it at the same time.

Again try to get away from such negative influence if someone is like that. Because that is not healthy. A person having a panic attack is already in an extreme state of mind. And having someone who only adds to that can actually become associated with the panic. Or in my case, a trigger to P.T.S.D.

Sometimes when other people realize that, they see they are only forcing you to pull away.

In either case, when I realized it myself, I found how important it is to control who I rely on, who to avoid, and who I bring into my personal life. It goes right back to taking a proactive approach to controlling your life.

It becomes much more than management for a disorder. It can turn into a guide for life in general. After all, why wouldn't someone want to put themselves around good people and generally good experiences?

There will always be hardships in doing so, but conquering those hardships is a positive thing in itself. So there can be a snowball effect in that sense if it's recognized as such.

My Induction Therapy:

One of the latest treatments that I have mustered up enough courage to try is called Induction Therapy. I don't believe this is normally recommended for P.T.S.D. But it can be used to manage the panic disorder related to it. And in that sense, minimize the triggers for P.T.S.D.

The term 'Induction Therapy' is found in a wide range of medical conditions. But for panic and anxiety treatment it is typically where the patient is carefully introduced to a known trigger. But in a safe environment. Then both doctor and patient work together through the fear, emotions, and thoughts that start to 'burn' out of control. Consciously recognizing them and allowing them to pass.

In my case, that does not mean putting myself in the situation that caused the P.T.S.D.

That would just be bad. But instead, using known triggers that cause the first stages of panic. And learning to reduce their hold on me.

So the every day objects, like a broom and dustpan, slowly become triggers that only spit a few flames and burn out quickly. Rather than starting a raging forest fire that spreads out of control.

So to do that without getting too far into the P.T.S.D part, we try to stop the triggers each time before it gets a chance to take over. And for me that is done with redirection of thought.
Extreme temperature changes, can be my 'shiny thing' that pulls my mind out of the fire.

Interestingly enough, putting my hand in ice can figuratively 'put out the fire'.

So if you see a girl randomly dunk her hand in her soft drink, try not to judge.

I might not be laughing with you in that moment, but I soon will be afterwards.

Seriously though the point is to find what pulls you out of that mental inferno. Sometimes a simple thought can do it. Just thinking about sticking my hand in ice can work for me sometimes, but not always. It often depends on my mood and how tired I am.

So again, there are different methods, and each is tailored to the individual.

Some anxiety or panic attacks based on none-traumatic events, like fearing elevators just because they are elevators, can actually take a more direct approach in treatment.

That is where the patient is put directly in the situation that causes their fear. Which can be traumatic in itself. But it is within a controlled environment and with someone they trust.

In that sense, they are retraining the mind to accept the actual situation they fear as something that is part of everyday life, and could not hurt them.

Obviously direct exposure is not right for violent or traumatic type issues.

In either case, this type of therapy is extremely exhausting and will take a lot out of you. So without a positive outlook, it can actually be too much for some and should be talked about with a doctor before attempting.

But it has proven to work for me. Slowly but surely.

Ok, now I need to go pull my hand out of this ice water before my hand shrinks.